Embodiment Isn’t Just a Solo Practice
How being in your body is shaped by being with other people
Learning to connect to our bodies, self-soothe, and regulate is incredibly important and should always be a priority. But it’s also not the whole picture.
In fact, when we treat embodiment like a solo practice, we miss out on some of our most fundamental emotional needs; the connection and embodiment that happens in relationship.
And the truth is that we can’t be embodied alone. We need people. We need co-regulation and mirror neurons and an embodied collective.
I often see posts treating embodiment and emotional wellness like it’s something we’re supposed to master on our own. Like we are supposed to regulate our nervous systems, do our inner work, do more self-care, take walks, drink water, and do breath work and meditation and all of that should be enough.
These things matter. Of course they do. And when there is time to do them, we should! But real embodiment, feeling at home in your own body, doesn’t always happen in isolation.
Often, we come back into our bodies in relationship.
I first began to understand the power of co-regulation in college. It was late at night, and panic was setting in about a test I had to take the next morning. My chest felt tight, tears welled in my eyes, and my thoughts spiraled into certainty that this one exam would somehow determine the entire course of my life.
My partner saw the overwhelm in my face and gently pulled me into a hug.
Something in that moment shifted. His steady breath, the warmth of his body, the care in his eyes: my nervous system was able to recognize it as safety. And something about it gave me permission to fall apart. The tears came heavier. My breathing got louder, more uneven. But instead of collapsing deeper into panic, something slowly started to soften. It was like my body got what it needed: to be held, not fixed.
Once the wave moved through, I noticed my breath slowing. The trembling quieted. I was still, grounded, resting into the calm his presence had offered me all along.
We Regulate Through Relationship
Co-regulation is the process by which our nervous systems find balance and safety through connection with others. It happens when someone else offers a steady, calm, attuned presence. This helps us feel grounded without needing to fix anything.
This can look like a soft voice, a comforting touch, a deep breath taken together, or simply someone staying close and regulated while we move through something hard.
Especially for those with trauma or anxiety, co-regulation is often more effective than trying to self-soothe in isolation. It reminds us, on a physiological level, that we don’t have to do it all alone.
Mirror neurons are a type of brain cell that activates both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else performing that same action. They allow us to internally reflect the emotional states and behaviors of those around us. When someone meets us with calm, curiosity, or care, our brain and body begin to subconsciously mirror that state. It’s part of why a friend can help regulate our spiraling thoughts, or why one person’s grounded breath can calm make us feel calm.
All of this is central to our sense of embodiment and connection to both ourselves and others.
The Nervous System Is Social
Our bodies are wired to seek safety with others. It starts in infancy with the way a baby looks to their caregiver’s face to know whether the world is safe or dangerous.
We continue to carry this sense of safety and attunement as we grow up.
I could give you all of the techniques in the book to ground yourself and learn to regulate, but often times what we need is someone to be present with us without trying to change anything. This could look like:
A friend who sits with you in silence.
A partner who notices your shallow breath and puts their hand on your back.
Someone who listens without rushing to respond.
A small moment of laughter that softens your chest.
Trauma and Disconnection
Of course, not all relationships bring us closer to ourselves.
Sometimes the opposite can happen. When we’re around people who expect us to perform, shrink, or make ourselves digestible, our bodies start to disconnect in subtle ways. We might start to:
Shut down
Feel far away
Try to smile through discomfort
Lose our appetite or words
Stiffen or shallow breath
Dissociate.
This, too, is a kind of wisdom. Our bodies know when it isn’t safe to be fully present and they protect us accordingly.
But if you’ve spent a lot of time in relationships or environments like this, it can become hard to tell when you’re actually feeling connected to yourself and others, and when you’re just playing the part.
Embodiment isn’t sustainable in spaces that ask you to abandon yourself to belong. Learning to listen to our bodies in these situations can be incredibly important and sometimes lifesaving.
The Line Between Co-Regulation and Codependence
While co-regulation and mirror neurons show us how connection grounds and supports embodiment, there are times where attunement tips into enmeshment.
Healthy co-regulation is mutual. It helps each person stay grounded in themselves while feeling connected to the other. But codependence happens when your sense of safety, identity, or worth becomes entirely reliant on another person’s state or approval.
It’s also important to note that this can be an incredibly subtle process. Often times, people do not recognize when they’ve crossed into enmeshment. Depending on someone’s background, this kind of relationship can help someone feel special, important, or needed.
If you have loved ones who are concerned that you’re in a codependent or enmeshed relationship, take a moment to hear them out and do some internal investigating into if this could be true or not. Ultimately, you’re the expert on yourself and your relationships. But, sometimes the people who love us are able to recognize these situations before we can.
Embodiment inside a relationship means we can stay connected yet independent. We can soften and receive support while maintaining our own identity apart from the relationship. We can let people in without expecting them to carry or fix what is ultimately ours.
The Problem With Individualizing Embodiment
When embodiment is treated like a solo activity, we open the door for shame, guilt, and blame. We feel like we should be able to regulate on our own or figure out how to feel better in isolation.
We miss out on opportunities to connect, heal, and grow in community. Again, we have the opportunity to meet more of those core emotional needs like belonging, safety and security in relationships, feeling loved, and expressing vulnerabilty.
When we cut out the relational aspect, we overlook the fact that many of our emotional needs are biologically determined to be met in connection. Things like safety, attunement, and belonging can’t always be self-generated.
By turning embodiment into a solo practice of regulation or control, we miss out on a felt sense of being connected to both ourselves and the world around us.
What to Notice as We Go Forward
Who helps you feel more like yourself?
What relationships let you breathe easier or feel connected to your body?
Where do you feel like you can truly be yourself and not just perform?
And maybe more importantly:
Where do you feel like you can’t?
So much in our culture is about individualism, right? Losing our literal tribe is probably one of the things that makes us more sick nowadays, especially when it comes to mental health. And even when we are writing about mental health, we forget that it can only be achieved in companion, not in isolation. It’s really intriguing how our culture continues insisting on keeping us apart.